Schrödinger’s Flirt and a Modern Dating Dictionary
If a Vogue article has convinced you to dump your embarrassing boyfriend, here’s everything you need to know before dipping back into the dating pool
I know, I know, I’m the millionth person to stir up the “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing?” discourse, and so instead of adding my own lukewarm takes to the mix, I decided to make a public service announcement for anyone who used the now [in]famous Vogue article as an excuse to get out of a long term relationship, and make sure they are well versed in the customs and vernacular essential to surviving the modern dating landscape.
Schrödinger’s Flirt [noun] – Every single person out there needs to master the art of Schrödinger’s flirt in order to survive the dating world. Whilst I am in no position to explain the intricacies of quantum mechanics, I am an expert in employing this protective technique. Perfect for when you can’t quite get a read on someone, meeting people in the wild1 or when you’re toeing the line between friendship and something else. As someone who is often having friendliness misread and flirting, I have a built-in, believable cop-out. Good flirting always toes the line and comes with a reasonable dose of plausible deniability, but Schrödinger’s flirt thrives in the grey area.
PBF (Post Breakup Ferality) [noun] – A canonical event for every girl getting out of their first serious long-term relationship. Especially true if you’ve been with them since high school. You suddenly discover there are other fish in the pond and end up diving headfirst into the Thames, not a care in the world and with a high chance of contracting e. coli, or something worse. A rite of passage that can last weeks, months or years. It’s not a [hoe] phase, it’s a lifestyle.
Slutty Hoop [noun] – Applicable for men who date women and slutty only when a singular hoop is present. A man with a slutty hoop will ruin your life (additional warning signs include a moustache, mullet, chain and tote bag), but they are also so much fun. Proceed with caution2.
Mirrorballing/Chameleoning [verb] – Having a boyfriend is only embarrassing if he’s a loser or if you lose yourself in them3. There’s a normal amount of adapting to your environment, becoming a little snooty at a gallery opening, letting your guard down on a night out with your girlfriends, and being your most professional and politically correct self at a job interview4. And then there are the people who become someone else entirely, depending on who they are interested in at the moment. We’ve all fallen victim to it at some time or another. There’s something to be said about making the most of a situation: my rolodex of finance bros have patiently explained what kind of ISA I should get, and I discovered some of my favourite films when I was crushing on the president of the Film Society at university.
Gatsbying [verb] – RIP Jay Gatsby, you would have loved posting highly-targeted Instagram stories. If you’re the kind of person who realises they’re in serious trouble once you catch yourself obsessively checking who’s viewed your story, welcome to the club. In this economy, no one can afford to throw several parties in the hopes of your crush dropping by5, so the next best thing is posting a bit of side boob when you’re ovulating and keeping your fingers crossed.
Soft Ghosting [verb] – I am (unfortunately, and I’m not proud to admit this) a bit of a pro at this. The avoidant types might engage in soft ghosting without even realising. If you are someone who tries to avoid confrontation whenever possible, soft ghosting might just be for you. Instead of disappearing out of the blue (which is almost always unacceptable and always immature), you slowly start to take longer to reply, send short and dry responses, with the general goal of having the other person take the hint and do the dirty deed of disappearing themselves. Unlike breadcrumbing, there is no desire to string someone else along, but if, for whatever reason, you’re not ready for a proper conversation or text where you cordially explain that you are no longer interested, this might be the way to go.
Forehead Kiss [noun] – Inconspicuous and seemingly sweet, it’s actually a sign that things are about to go terribly wrong. You fall for the forehead kiss once and never again6. If he is not your capital B Boyfriend and comes in with the forehead kiss, you’d be forgiven for thinking this is a sign things might be getting serious, but I regret to inform you that you actually could not be more mistaken. Dazed has even run a piece on the forehead kiss of despair. You can look it up; it’s a real thing.
Bonus: pulling a Mike (iykyk) - this was the boy who traumatised me at eighteen and became a verb within my friend group
I’m guessing you already know all the basics of single lingo7, but now that I’ve covered some of the more niche (and mostly made-up) terms, you are ready to go forth and conquer the dating trenches. Good luck!
as a dating app hater (and reluctant user, because a girl’s gotta eat) I will say there is one clear advantage of walking into a bar already knowing someone is interested
using protection is highly advised
and it’s doubly embarrassing if both are true at the same time
a recession indicator if I’ve ever seen one
can you tell I’m traumatised?
now say this five times fast
haha! ty for writing this.