“My friend thinks you’re cute” and were our middle school selves onto something?
on dating friends of friends, deleting dating apps, and an in depth scientific analysis of the current dating landscape
Asking for a friend has quickly become my new approach to dating. As I surveyed friends, family, Hinge matches that never made it past the talking stage and random Instagram followers from my university days in an attempt to uncover the wildest and most unhinged things people have done for a crush, I was inspired to change my approach to dating. I have raved (both online and offline) about Alison Hutchison’s Great Offline Dating Experiment, and after catching myself succumbing to temptation, I have recently deleted every dating app from my phone (and then a week later was informed by one of my best friends that her flatmate found a real catch on Hinge, perfect timing). I am dedicated to going back to basics, and some initial research surprised me as I discovered that most of my Gen Z peers were doing the same.
I took one research methods class, and now I’m applying my skills for the greater good
My new favourite thing is crowdsourcing information via Instagram polls (follow me here if you want to contribute your hot takes for future pieces). I recently reached out to friends who are either single or in a relationship (sorry to the situationship crowd, I’ll work on something just for you next time) to try and figure out if the patterns I was noticing whilst chatting with friends (and strangers at the bar) were a sign of a bigger phenomenon. For my single friends, I was curious about how many people were still on the apps. For the ones in a relationship, I asked my all-time favourite question: How did you meet? I’m a romantic at heart, but I’m also nosy, so I left a box where people could drop their relationship hot takes. As the responses started rolling in, I finally started reaping the benefits of sharing my personal life at length on the internet. Semi-strangers were eager to share relationship horror stories and conspiracy theories, and my friends covered my podcast quota for the week via several five-minute-long voice notes.
Of my limited sampling of the singles, I was somewhat surprised to find out that only 30% of respondents were on the apps. With reasons ranging from the adverse mental health effects of having the most offensive-looking men on the planet swiping on you (opening Hinge is always a humbling experience), frustration with the lack of responses, to becoming the worst, most superficial versions of ourselves whilst swiping, I could understand the shift to offline dating. I’ve come across two separate guys I was down bad for on dating apps whilst I was still within the danger zone of slipping and hitting them up, and both times I caught myself thinking god I would have never swiped right on them as I screenshotted their profile to be dissected at a later date in the group chat (coincidentally, both of them are now readers of this very newsletter, hi boys!). The people who charm us in person are rarely the ones who have us nodding in approval as we mindlessly scroll past profiles.
On the relationship front, 77% of respondents met their partners in the wild. My reaction? The same one I have whilst befriending girls in the bathroom as we fix our smudged mascara and reapply our lip-gloss: where did you get that?! Thanks to my skewed demographic (most of my friends graduated university within the past five years), I had a lot of people letting me know they met their significant others at school or university (not very helpful for me as I have yet to reach the levels of desperation and despair post grad that leads people to pursue a PhD). Beyond the limited but faith-instilling dating app success stories, most of which are the remnants of a bygone Covid era, I collected responses as a future to-do list, including run clubs, pub crawls and a vampire party (I have follow-up questions). However, the overwhelming majority of couples in my DMs had met through mutual friends, which takes me to my next point.
Asking for a friend — It’s me, I’m the friend
It has recently come to my attention that asking your friends if their friends (who you might have found cute or charming or remotely interesting after a ten-minute conversation) are single is not a universal move. At the same time, I keep hearing success stories of people getting set up with friends of friends. There are obvious benefits: friends of friends are pre-vetted. If you trust your friends’ judgement or hold them in high regard, the fact that someone is friends with them is already a positive point. Hanging out as a group is a low-stakes way to get to know new people. I have made it my personal mission to bring back asking if people are single. I’m not sure I’ll ever have the balls guts to ask this to their faces, at least not without some liquid courage, but if you’re interested in a friend of a friend, I will forever defend that this is the best move. It gets you what I consider to be the most vital pieces of information before pursuing anything (aka: are they available? are there any glaring red flags even their friends might be aware of?) and simultaneously communicates a level of interest. If they are in a relationship, they can be flattered, and you can move on. For the serial daters who are used to the convenience and control (or at least the semblance of those) afforded by the apps, some growing pains might be associated with a shift from quantity to (possible) quality that comes along with moving things offline.
You might be noticing a lack of an Exhibit C: success story, but I’m working on it
Dating friends of friends 101 — The Basic Etiquette of Cross Friend Group Pollination
I feel like this interlude is necessary, as dating friends of friends (or having your friends date) can be catastrophic. Everyone seems to be aware of the risks that come along with dating within the friend group; the vibes might be off, you risk decimating the group if you guys break up — there’s a reason most people will sneak around at the start (if your friend group is lacking drama, start probing after a few drinks to find out how many of your friends have hooked up). There’s no need to worry everyone for something that might not even stick. What is less talked about, however, is dating across friend groups, also known as dating friends of friends. As my [expertly conducted] research has shown, this has proven to have a high probability of success. Nonetheless, the middlemanfriend should be considered. My first hot take is that both sides cannot be extremely close with the friend. One close friend going out with an acquaintance is fine, as are two acquaintances hitting it off. As you become closer to both parties, the probability of messiness increases exponentially. Before entering into any kind of relationship with a friend of a friend, all parties involved must agree to maintain the sanctity of the existing friendship. As someone who has some experience with friends of friends, the most important thing to keep in mind is that the middle friend should not be dragged into your relationship antics [any more than they would want to. I do have friends who live for the drama]. It also comes with the knowledge that should things go to shit, you will still have to occasionally see your ex, a risk that is not in place when you outsource to the apps and date someone who has no ties whatsoever to anyone else in your life.
The New York Times ran a piece on heterofatalism and other thoughts on modern dating
I have now learned that the dating pool and modern dating experiences are dire regardless of age. As I’m still in my early twenties, I find it easy to excuse certain behaviours away. I try to give myself some grace as I’m still figuring things out and am therefore more understanding when their behaviour is less than ideal (I’m not perfect, but maybe there’s a reason why Sabrina Carpenter’s Please, Please, Please and Manchild became the national anthems of single girls (caveat: dating straight men) everywhere). Talking to friends in their late twenties and early-to-mid-thirties about the guys they’re seeing who aren’t sure they’re ready for something serious, I’m quickly convinced that age alone is not the issue. Looking at my friends who are in relationships, the glaring differences between the male and female dating pools become increasingly obvious. At a friend’s birthday this past weekend, I commented that I adored all my guy friends’ new girlfriends, whilst historically my girlfriends’ boyfriends have been hit or miss. One of the other party guests made an offhand comment: Well duh, dating is so much easier for straight guys; women are just objectively better at relationships. This validated something that had been a massive chip on my shoulder growing up. For most of my life, almost all my close friendships have been with women. I had always attributed that to my inability to be not like the other girls. I liked girly things, sure, but more than that, I always put a lot of effort and care into my relationships. I wanted to know my friends deeply, and I wanted to be understood. When it came to my friendships with men, this effort was almost always misread as romantic interest. When my guy friends couldn’t fathom the possibility of me remembering things they told me or checking in from time to time, asking how they were, really, as basic acts of friendship, I couldn’t help but feel a little sorry. I’ve had multiple friends tell me that they were worried about breaking up with their boyfriends because they were their only source of emotional support (I’ll spare you any additional comments on the male loneliness epidemic).
I’m nothing if not stubbornly committed to the bit: the quest continues (via crowdsourcing once again)
As I resist the urge to hop back on the apps (if anyone wants to set me up with a friend, let me know), I decided to turn to the experts in my life. In an effort to get more up-to-date advice, I have started to reach out to my Gen Z friends who are in a relationship (or at least the ones who have engaged with my Instagram polls). I’m aiming to both reinstate my faith in relationships via stories of how they met their partners and figure out what kind of relationship advice the chronically online generation is dishing out (I’ll be reporting back once I’ve put their tips to the test). If anyone wants to give out solicited advice, I’m asking for a friend!
Additional reading/ general PSA: anyone entering into any relationship (via app or friend of friend) should first and foremost go through Antonia Bentel’s terms and conditions to mitigate the risk of future heartbreak or miscommunication (but seriously, I scoured central London for this piece in print via The Fence Magazine, so I can casually leave it open on my coffee table whenever I have a guy over, anyone who wants to adopt the same litmus test can secure a copy here).
So glad to have another scientist in The Great Offline Dating Experiment 👩🔬 Welcome welcome!
Friends should t hook up with friends and friends shouldn’t hook up with yr brother