Jesus Isn’t Hiring — and other life lessons from a blunt Parisian*

everyone should have a frenchman (or woman) keeping them humble (but not everyone can handle one)

*Claire is actually Chavilloise (she grew up down the road from Versailles), and was deeply offended when I called her Parisian, but I thought it sounded better and figured that the majority of my readers have never heard of Chaville, and I consider it close enough to Paris to count

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For those who aren’t familiar with Claire, she’s my former flatmate and still is one of my closest friends. Claire and I were virtual strangers when we signed a lease together in May of 2021. We’d exchanged a couple of texts, enough to assume that neither was a psychopath, and met for the first time after signing said year-long lease, when we brought our documents over to the letting agency. We’d go on to live together for three years. She’s French, which I think is something you need to know, as it is intrinsic to the way she has delivered these key pieces of advice. We both agree that had we not found ourselves in the confines of a shoebox apartment in Fitzrovia, we’d never end up being friends. She’s quiet and reserved, where I’m loud and outgoing. She’s suspicious where I’m blindly trusting. She’s even-tempered, where I’ve been known to sob and laugh simultaneously. My idea of a perfect weekend looks like her very own personal hell. We are the perfect example of how opposites attract. Still, our time living together was one of growth. With Claire, I had to learn to relax. We bonded over our shared love of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. I saw her come out of her shell, and she saw me calm the f*ck down.

Our first Halloween together (dressed as a Taylor Swift music video) and at her concert three years later

You need to respect yourself

Whenever Claire drops this line, I know I have seriously messed up. Whilst I have grown accustomed to airing my dirty laundry and spilling my shortcomings online, I will spare her from the same fate. All you need to know is that, like most eighteen-year-old girls, when I first met her, Claire had made her fair share of mistakes and found herself in less-than-ideal situations. As the heavily therapized flatmate, I was used to being the voice of reason, which is why whenever Claire told me that I needed some self-respect, my first thought was pot, meet kettle, quickly followed by I need to get my act together.

Why are you friends with her?

On a similar note, I’ve been called naïve more than once. As the person I came home to every night for three years, Claire has often been on the receiving side of my venting. I could tell her anything with the safety that came with knowing that I always had someone on my corner. In the same way that I would avoid telling my mom about the people who had wronged me as a kid, I also made a deliberate point of keeping Claire out of the loop. I knew that even if I ever eventually forgave them, my mom and Claire would both remember how miserable I had been for the weeks or months prior. Claire is one of the most loyal people I know, the very definition of a ride or die. She’s reliable and dedicated and expects the same in return. However, where I’m a fan of having friends for a variety of situations, she takes an all-or-nothing approach. We’re opposing extremes, I’d say neither ideal, where she’ll cut someone off after being disappointed once, and I’ll stubbornly keep sending texts and checking up from time to time, even after any sane person would have let things go. I’ve learned that whenever I complain about anyone who has hurt me in the past, I’ll be met with the same Why are you even friends with her?

Forgive, but never forget

Claire’s capacity to hold on to a grudge really should be studied (though I’d guess it’s entrenched in her French DNA). I was once late to a karaoke night with her when a first date ran late. She was already hanging out with some other friends, and I was planning on meeting up with her after dinner. I was giddy with excitement and lost track of time. When I walked into the bar, two hours late, my apology was ready. I’m so sooo sorry the check took like twenty minutes to come, I said as a greeting. Okay, what about the other hundred minutes then? I went on a couple more dates with that guy, but it eventually fizzled out, and I was momentarily crushed. I haven’t spoken to him in months, and Claire and I haven’t lived together for over a year, but she still holds those hundred minutes over my head. Whenever we make plans, I’m always secretly hoping she’ll be late so we can finally settle this debt.

This is why you’re single

Part of Claire’s comedy gold is the fact that she’s never trying to be funny. She once walked into my room in the middle of the night for a serious chat, only to let me know that we had to devise a plan to have Mason Mount¹ fall in love with her. Claire is the reason Wattpad stories should come with warning labels. In a similar vein, she once came home brimming with excitement, letting me know that Lando Norris² had broken up with his most recent girlfriend. Because, of course, this girl was the only thing standing between an undergraduate literature student and a professional Formula 1 driver. I rolled my eyes and told her that, regardless, he was too short for me. Wrong answer. This is why you’re single! she scolded me, I give you a professional driver (she says as if he’s waiting outside our door) and you still find something wrong with him. So yeah, lesson learned, you can’t be too picky.

Jesus isn’t hiring

Earlier this month, we spent a weekend in Italy, and her one-liners, delivered with about the same amount of emotion as Kristen Stewart's portrayal of Bella Swan, had me cackling and re-evaluating my life choices in the same beat. Like any good Catholic girl, I made sure to pop into every church we passed, making sure to mention the dismal job market whenever I got down on my knees, and considering the optimal Hail Mary rate for a Graduate Job. After hearing me complain for about the millionth time, she finally had enough. You need to start posting on LinkedIn, Jesus is not hiring, and praying won’t get you a job.

she stands behind everything she’s ever said

1. A professional footballer and Claire’s celebrity crush

2. F1 driver whom I coincidentally saw on Raya a couple of years later